Holla! Happy New Year 2025! I’m back with my boring obligatory post at the beginning of the year! I thought I just had to post this before January ends, so here we are.
Well, to be honest I don’t know what to write, what to share, what to update, etc. I mean, growing up, I guess my life has become more flat (or should I say flatter? In case I have grammar nazi as one of my readers :p). Nothing much happened. I lived, I survived, I enjoyed life, and well, I’m still not dead.
But “flat” is just one way to call it. To some, it might look boring. But as someone with “able-to-look-at-the-bright-side” reputation (of course I’m giving this title to myself), I guess I’d rather call it “stable.” Growing up, my life has been more stable. Yes, stable is more correct. And of course it’s not a bad thing. I mean, while it might look boring as nothing much changed, I have actually worked hard to reach this point, haven’t I?
Now I don’t have to worry about not having money to occasionally buy the good food and the clothes I want (though I don’t buy that often – but I started to invest in more comfortable (though slightly expensive) wears and underwear). I can save to travel to new places (though I still have to go with a low budget, but at least I can afford it, right? Back then? No way I could!) I can buy my fam things they love and need. (In the past years, I actually loved buying my Mom some jewelry ’cause I remember back when I was still a poor kid, my Mom used to say how great it would be if we could buy gold as we could sell them in the time of need). But well, I hope that we don’t have to sell what I bought her, though. I guess I just love making her happy. She would scold me if I bought her clothes ’cause she thinks clothes are worthless (i.e. can’t really be sold when needing money. LoL). I get where her mentality came from, considering how poor we had been, so I bought things that perhaps could make things easier for her such as kitchen appliances.
However, sometimes I can’t help thinking: I must have been impoverished to be so content with my current life. I mean, I can certainly aim for more. If I compare to others who have a car, can travel comfortably without low budget, eat out more often, etc., I think I’m not rich at all. LoL But if we keep comparing ourselves to others, there will be no end, right? There will always be someone better than us; there will always be someone who has more than we do have. And that’s why I said I must have been very poor back then, ’cause I always compare to how I was. And you see, now I have enough. I feel enough. And I am tired. I’m okay with what I’ve got now.
Though yes, of course not everything can be measured with money. For example, my job. My current jobs are perhaps not as prestigious. When I was a university teacher in Indonesia, people would think it’s cool and I’d have a lot of “opportunities” to show off how “great” I was. It’s “prestigious.” But forget prestige, it doesn’t pay my bills. My current work might be more of “behind-the-screen” thing, but I’m happy with it. It doesn’t stress me out, and I can still do it well, help others, and such. (Though to be honest, I wish I could do the same – i.e. helping others with what I do now – for free, voluntarily). But we’ve got to be realistic, I guess? I do need money, not just to live but also to enjoy life. Don’t we all use what we’re good at – or what we can do – to make a living? Thinking this way, I guess it makes me feel less guilty. And sometimes I do tell people they can consult me for free if they really need it. (By the way, I’m talking about “helping-people-to-study-abroad-(with-a-scholarship) job.) Well, yeah I know I don’t need to feel guilty about it, but I guess I have been gaslit so much, brainwashed to thinking about the so-called pengabdian: giving, sharing, teaching without getting paid properly. Man, thinking back how I was paid IDR 350000/month (as for now around USD $22/month) for teaching, it’s crazy! But well, whatever, I’ll make the money I need and want, and I’ll help and contribute in any other ways I can.
What else? Romance and marriage? Should I really write about these things? To be honest, I don’t really like talking about this thing ’cause it makes me look defensive. Or perhaps, I’ll end up being defensive. I mean, I know I’m not married and some people will see this negatively thinking I’m such a spinster. I don’t blame them ’cause I myself actually thought I’d get married after my undergraduate degree. After all, “getting married” is a form of prayers in my religion, so I’m really not anti marriage. I’m just anti getting married for people. I want to get married for myself.
And romance? Well, I’m such a helpless romantic person. Perhaps some would say I’ve got a Cinderella complex. For those who don’t know, Cinderella complex is often referred as “women’s unconscious desire to be taken care of by someone else” (Collette Dowling, 1981). Referring to this very definition, I don’t disagree. I mean, I’ve used up my whole life thinking of and caring for my parents, my sister, and my brother. So when I’m married, while of course I will take care of my husband and kids, I want to be cared for too. Again, I’m tired, ok? Interestingly, though, it’s also called “women’s hidden fear of independence.” And of course I must disagree. I mean, haven’t I been independent enough all these years? Or am I not aware of it ’cause it’s hidden or unconscious? Please tell me!
Anyway, truthfully, I still believe in my pre-destined Mr. Right, but I know that there’s a possibility that he might have been dead already so maybe we won’t be united in this lifetime. I’m getting older too, who will want to marry me? People who marry to get kids might not want me either ’cause they think I’m too old to conceive. And I won’t argue ’cause some research say so too. I just don’t like people pointing it out at me as if I didn’t know it. (Though honestly I am perhaps being delusional about this thinking it won’t be a problem for me ’cause thankfully I’ve never got a problem in that area). I don’t think I’m giving up on falling in love or getting married, though. While I’d love to stay positive and keep hang onto that little ray of hope (they say “tidak boleh berputus-asa terhadap rahmat Allah SWT”), I guess I’m just open to all possibilities and be okay with them. I’m sure that everything God has planned for me is the best and even better than what I plan or wish for myself. Perhaps He’s protecting me, or perhaps He’s protecting others from me, but even so, it means God’s protecting me from becoming someone I might hate myself.
But, ouch, let’s talk about traveling! Talking about marriage and romance makes me look bad and shabby, no?
In 2024 I traveled quite a lot! I spent new year in a new place and spent the end of year in another new place. At the beginning of the year, I could go umrah with both my parents and stayed in the holy city of Mecca, Saudi Arabia on 1 January 2024. At the end of the year, I managed to backpack in Kalimantan, finally visiting Borneo, the Indonesian side, and stayed in Pangkalan Bun on 31 December 2024. Aside from that, I also traveled to Hong Kong, Macau, and Taiwan with a transit in Brunei. But I’ve told you about that, right? Here. Then I also went to Pulau Bawean, a beautiful small island in East Java. That place is so beautiful and affordable. The beaches are fantastic! Amazing, aren’t I? :p
Alright, what else should I write? Usually I broke them down into sub-sections or sub-headings, but I guess right now I just wanted to go with the flow. Ah, right, health. Thankfully, I have always been healthy. I stay up late more but for now there are no problems – aside from the fact that I’ve been gaining weight! Gosh, I can’t believe it! I feel like I still look the same, but when I put myself on a scale, I know I’m gaining weight, I’ve become heavier! It’s hard to believe but it’s true! Some clothes have actually felt too tight to wear compared to before. I’m neither happy nor sad about gaining weight, but sometimes I feel upset thinking how I can’t feel the same when wearing those “becoming-too-small” clothes. But, well, I’m still healthy, that’s what matters.
Anyway, I don’t know what else to write. But in short, I am thankful for 2024 and I hope 2025 can be better. I hope to travel to more new places and countries and I hope I can share and post more here too. Wish me good luck! 😉
