Introduction: I just want to be me.

Hi, I’m jUwa. I’ve been looking forward to writing this post. I thought that since it’s going to be the first post, maybe I should make a good introduction. But I’ve been busy with other stuff, so I waited. Not that this will be the best piece of introduction, no. But at least, I am trying 😊

So, let me introduce myself again. My name is jUwa. It’s my nickname, real one. Actually I am kinda worried about using my real name. Virtual world, you know. Sometimes it can be crazy, people who don’t know us often feel entitled to judge us just because we said or did something wrong, even when we didn’t mean it that way. It’s scary. So I’m kinda anxious, because I know I am not flawless.

But, well, you read the name of the website? “Cerita jUwa” means “the stories of jUwa”; it’s from one of my languages: Bahasa Indonesia. So yes, I’m Indonesian 😊 It’s one of my identities. But again, here I just want to tell my stories, what I think, what I feel, what I experience, at a certain point of time, at a certain stage of my life. Basically I want to be okay to be ordinary. To feel special that way.

Some people often say that we are special, that everybody is special. I might have said it many times, too. But guess what? Often times, we don’t think we are special. We feel inferior. We feel insecure. Etc. Sometimes I feel like that, too. And I want to be okay with that, with not being special. Trying hard to be special or the best is often painful, so I want to learn “acceptance”. To accept that things do not have to be perfect. To accept that I don’t have to be extraordinary. To accept that I don’t have to be strikingly beautiful, etc. That’s because, after all, I will always be special for me or for a certain someone. There must be something I am good at, too. It’s not a fact. It’s a hope. Or maybe a wish. But I want to feel okay to have such hopes and wishes. But, of course, this is after I have tried my bests. But again, only I know whether I have given my bests or not, so really, sometimes it hurts when people tell me, “You didn’t try hard enough.” Has someone ever said something like that to you? Or have you ever said it to someone?

That’s ok. Here I just want to be me. I will change, too. Or maybe sometimes I will look inconsistent. I want to be okay with that, too. I mean, life is a process, right? Like, for instance, today you say you hate someone, then you find something about him/her that really impresses you and you decide to love him/her. It doesn’t mean you’re inconsistent. It means you’re learning. We all are learning. I am learning.

So here I am. Trying to document my ordinary life, my everyday stories, which might also happen to everybody else. I don’t see them as ordinary, though. It’ll always be special to me. I’m just trying to understand and accept that it might be not special for everybody else 😊

And, umm, I don’t know. I don’t want to present myself as a mere Indonesian, a girl, a Muslim, a graduate student, etc. I mean, yes, I am all of those, my views will also be affected by the facts that I am a girl, an Indonesian, a Muslim, etc., but I might not be the best representative. Once again, I just want to be me. I don’t want to be burdened with something like, “How can you say that? You’re a graduate student! You should’ve known about it!”, or “How can you do that? You’re a girl!”, or “Oh, you’re Indonesian. Your people are poor and filthy, can’t stand in line, love littering, etc.”, or “Oh, you are a Muslim, so they force you to wear hijab?”, or, “But you’ve been to the states! How can you not know that?”, or the likes. I mean, I know that some of it might be true. I should’ve known more but I didn’t. I shouldn’t have done things I did, etc. But again, here I am learning, ok? There are so many things I don’t know. There might be so many things that I should do but I don’t know that I should do them so I simply don’t. And something like that. So, if I say/do something wrong as an Indonesian, as a Muslim, as a graduate student, please don’t blame all Indonesians, Muslims, graduate students, etc, ok? 😊

I have so many flaws. And I’m sure there are lots of, very very many, people who are better, smarter, more beautiful, etc. than me. They will surely help to motivate me to be better, too. But I don’t want to let them, or others comparing me to them, make me feel inferior. Once again, I just want to be okay to be me, to think what I think. To do what I do. To say what I say, in a way I say it at a point of time.

So yes, I just want to be me. Though I’m not really sure what it means. But let the stories begin 😊