
Hi, Iâm jUwa. Iâve been looking forward to writing this post. I thought that since itâs going to be the first post, maybe I should make a good introduction. But Iâve been busy with other stuff, so I waited. Not that this will be the best piece of introduction, no. But at least, I am trying đ
So, let me introduce myself again. My name is jUwa. Itâs my nickname, real one. Actually I am kinda worried about using my real name. Virtual world, you know. Sometimes it can be crazy, people who donât know us often feel entitled to judge us just because we said or did something wrong, even when we didnât mean it that way. Itâs scary. So Iâm kinda anxious, because I know I am not flawless.
But, well, you read the name of the website? âCerita jUwaâ means âthe stories of jUwaâ; itâs from one of my languages: Bahasa Indonesia. So yes, Iâm Indonesian đ Itâs one of my identities. But again, here I just want to tell my stories, what I think, what I feel, what I experience, at a certain point of time, at a certain stage of my life. Basically I want to be okay to be ordinary. To feel special that way.
Some people often say that we are special, that everybody is special. I might have said it many times, too. But guess what? Often times, we donât think we are special. We feel inferior. We feel insecure. Etc. Sometimes I feel like that, too. And I want to be okay with that, with not being special. Trying hard to be special or the best is often painful, so I want to learn âacceptanceâ. To accept that things do not have to be perfect. To accept that I donât have to be extraordinary. To accept that I donât have to be strikingly beautiful, etc. Thatâs because, after all, I will always be special for me or for a certain someone. There must be something I am good at, too. Itâs not a fact. Itâs a hope. Or maybe a wish. But I want to feel okay to have such hopes and wishes. But, of course, this is after I have tried my bests. But again, only I know whether I have given my bests or not, so really, sometimes it hurts when people tell me, âYou didnât try hard enough.â Has someone ever said something like that to you? Or have you ever said it to someone?
Thatâs ok. Here I just want to be me. I will change, too. Or maybe sometimes I will look inconsistent. I want to be okay with that, too. I mean, life is a process, right? Like, for instance, today you say you hate someone, then you find something about him/her that really impresses you and you decide to love him/her. It doesnât mean youâre inconsistent. It means youâre learning. We all are learning. I am learning.
So here I am. Trying to document my ordinary life, my everyday stories, which might also happen to everybody else. I donât see them as ordinary, though. Itâll always be special to me. Iâm just trying to understand and accept that it might be not special for everybody else đ
And, umm, I donât know. I donât want to present myself as a mere Indonesian, a girl, a Muslim, a graduate student, etc. I mean, yes, I am all of those, my views will also be affected by the facts that I am a girl, an Indonesian, a Muslim, etc., but I might not be the best representative. Once again, I just want to be me. I donât want to be burdened with something like, âHow can you say that? Youâre a graduate student! You shouldâve known about it!â, or âHow can you do that? Youâre a girl!â, or âOh, youâre Indonesian. Your people are poor and filthy, canât stand in line, love littering, etc.â, or âOh, you are a Muslim, so they force you to wear hijab?â, or, âBut youâve been to the states! How can you not know that?â, or the likes. I mean, I know that some of it might be true. I shouldâve known more but I didnât. I shouldnât have done things I did, etc. But again, here I am learning, ok? There are so many things I donât know. There might be so many things that I should do but I donât know that I should do them so I simply donât. And something like that. So, if I say/do something wrong as an Indonesian, as a Muslim, as a graduate student, please donât blame all Indonesians, Muslims, graduate students, etc, ok? đ
I have so many flaws. And Iâm sure there are lots of, very very many, people who are better, smarter, more beautiful, etc. than me. They will surely help to motivate me to be better, too. But I donât want to let them, or others comparing me to them, make me feel inferior. Once again, I just want to be okay to be me, to think what I think. To do what I do. To say what I say, in a way I say it at a point of time.
So yes, I just want to be me. Though Iâm not really sure what it means. But let the stories begin đ