Hi There! How is life? It’s the last day of August and I feel obliged to post something just because, and also because I posted nothing last month. Well, I’ve been busy doing nothing…and I am sort of discouraged because my lost post still can’t be retrieved. It’s an excuse, I know, maybe I’m just really no longer productive…
Growing older, I feel like life, or maybe this world, or perhaps this country, sucks my soul out of me. Maybe I’m too tired. Maybe because I’ve got almost everything I’ve ever wanted, even things I could have never dreamed of… Not sure if it’s because I dreamed too little or if it’s because I started so low… you know, born and growing up poor, having just the love of my parents…
Or maybe it’s just an excuse because, like what my dear friend says, we can always restart and renew our goals… We can have new dreams, new things to pursue, and such… Right, but now I’m feeling too exhausted.
It feels like I’m just living by existing, doing the same routine, too reluctant to do anything new or different, those that requires strenuous efforts, because, again, it feels useless – and exhausting.
I know people say that unless we do something different, we won’t have any change in our life, but then that’s it. I just want to be accepting, content, and grateful with what I have. Am I giving up on life?
But sure there are moments that make me truly happy and thankful with my current life, such as when I take my Mom out for shopping and tell her that she doesn’t need to bring her purse, tell her to take anything she wants ’cause I’ll pay for everything… This is a life I could have never dreamed of… And surely there are times when I am genuinely excited, such as when I am planning for my next travels, looking up for destinations, thinking about the itinerary, and such… Boy, it’s tiring but never boring…
Or maybe I’m just sad. I lost Gora, one of my cats, around a month ago. He disappeared and I don’t know if he’s dead, running away, or being thrown away by someone somewhere. I remember that day, as usual, I fed him in the evening. Then he went out. He’d usually go out at night, perhaps playing around in the neighborhood, or maybe exploring the area, or I don’t know, but he’s usually out at night. Then he’d come back at dawn. He’d knock and meow in front of my door, asking for some food… Eating time! But that morning, he didn’t come. I asked my parents if he was back home, perhaps I was still sleeping and didn’t hear him meowing, but no, they said he’d not come home yet. But we were ok, because sometimes he’s like that. He just came home when he wanted. Usually I’d call him and he’d come back after sometime. But that morning, he didn’t. My family thought maybe he’s in love and pursuing a female cat and would go back when he’s hungry. I thought ok… Came afternoon, he still didn’t come home despite me calling him many times. Came night, another morning, another afternoon, and night again. Another day passed. A week passed, then a month… I felt numb. Or super sad. I don’t know. I missed him. My Mom said maybe he got hit and dead and the person who hit him might take him with them to bury him properly. But they could’ve told me??? Or at least asked who lost a cat? But nope, nothing. I miss him. I guess I’m sad because I don’t know how he’s doing… If he’s dead, then ok, maybe it’s easier to accept. If he’s dead, at least he isn’t suffering in this world. But what if he got thrown away by a bad person? What if he misses home but don’t know how to get home? What if he’s somewhere starving and scared? He’s such a timid and introverted cat. He feared (and hated) everyone, including my brother. He tolerated my parents but he didn’t get close to anyone except me. So I’m sad wondering about how he’s doing… I can only hope that he was happy when he was with me. If only he knew how much I’ve missed him… how much I want him to come back home…
And I’m sad. My country is such a mess. And the government doesn’t care about us, the people. They care only about how to hoard wealth for themselves. They have no pride nor shame. They’re so despicable I don’t even know how to begin… Many people are struggling to even earn a million a month, yet they earn hundreds of millions a month and still think it’s not enough. So horrible. They keep issuing all these unfair policies, raising taxes, and making things difficult for us. People are protesting but they’re fleeing abroad with all the luxury paid by the people’s taxes. So atrocious… And when people protest, they orchestrate in such a way that people would think the protestants are anarchistic, lawless, radical, and so forth. They just want to silence us so they can do as they like. They think it’s okay to kill civilians… It is truly sad. Are our lives really that insignificant in the eyes of those in power?
So yes, I’m sad. I know other adjectives exist but I guess “sad” best represents it all.
Yes, I’m worried. I’m worried that by posting it here will harm me. But for now, this is the least I can do…
So I guess, that’s it for now. Hopefully I can write something more cheerful next time…
