Self-Reflection

2019 Highlights and Reflections

Some of my Aussie pics on Instagram.

Since I made a post about my 2018 (here!), I thought I should make the same post about 2019. I’m not sure how I feel about 2019, though. I felt like a failure because I feel like I’ve procrastinated too much this year. I felt sick of my life, but at the end I kinda realize that I don’t want to die yet because there are still a lot of things that I want to do.

Well, without further ado, here are my 2019 highlights.

Academic/Study. I did my comps, written and oral in Spring 2019. Then I defended my dissertation proposal in Fall 2019. I also helped with a roundtable that my program will hold next year by becoming one of the committees. This was actually according to plan. I did plan to finish my proposal and defended it before 2019 ended. However, now that I think of it, I could’ve actually done it much sooner and faster. I was just kinda getting sick of it. I kinda wanted to just get it done but I ended up procrastinating doing it ’cause I simply didn’t really want to do it anymore. And now I am kinda panicking because I feel like I have to rush to finish and graduate as planned and I am kinda worried that I might not be able to do it. Also, I couldn’t really go to as many conferences or publish in a journal or such like my friends do so it’s kinda depressing. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others. And I know there’s no use resenting what has already happened since we couldn’t turn back time and change a thing. Still, I wish I could have done better. Sigh. Perhaps, my academic was the worst part of my 2019. Though, yes, I’m thankful that it wasn’t any worse than that. After all, I survived it, right? And, while I feel it’s the worst, but it might be the most relieving part? It’s certainly not something that makes me happy, but it somehow makes me feel relieved. I’m responsible for that, and I did just that. I could have done better but at least I met the minimum. So, ok?

I flew to Seattle, WA. Yay! This is on my way back to Tucson, though. It’s some pictures on my camera gallery.

Travel. I went to one more country, Australia. I checked out two more states: Washington and Oregon. Perhaps, traveling is the best of part of 2019. Well, maybe not the best because I did travel more last year. However, I think this part is the one that makes me the happiest among others. And traveling is also one of the reasons I kinda want to live longer, the reason I don’t want to die just yet. I still want to go to Japan, Canada, and Mexico at the least. And I won’t be able to do it all if I die tomorrow. It’s kinda worrisome, though, because usually when you don’t want something you somehow get it. Now that I don’t want death yet, I find it creepy to think that I might die any time. And I still want to see One Piece end too, deuh… Please pray for me.

Family. Good. As it should be. My family is indisputably one of the greatest blessings in my life so I’m really thankful when things are going well with my family. Sure we have problems, but as long as it’s not between us the family, I’m okay. As a family, we support, encourage, and console each other, and that means a lot to me. I always try to understand my parents and communicate with them. I always remind myself, “As I grow up, my parents grow older.” Sometimes, I wish I could do more, like getting married. They are not rushing me to get married, though, as I always convince them that I’m happy and doing well even though I’m not married yet. However, sometimes I cannot help thinking that maybe they’ll be happier and feel relieved when I’m settled since by then they can stop worrying about me. But, well, I don’t want to get married for someone else, so I guess as long as I can show them that I’m happy and as long as I don’t do something that they’ll detest or make them sad, that’s fine. I mean, they’ll be sad if I get married hastily but turn out to be unhappy, right? I don’t want that, so wish me luck πŸ™‚

Finance. Ok. I mean, I was born and grew up much with much less than I’ve got now, so now I always feel that it’s much better and much more bearable. In fact, I often feel rich. I can get not only what I need but also what I want, despite not all of them. Still, it feels like a luxury to me. Man, if you grew with almost no money, you’d feel rich easily when you have even only a little money ^^

Romance. Well, I’m still single. I guess no guy is smart/stupid enough to fall for me? LoL Not sure if I’ve got no luck in love or if I’m lucky enough to not be in the wrong relationship with the wrong guy. It really depends on how you see it, but either way I’m fine. But, ugh, I’m in love with Hey! Say! JUMP! I’m like, “Where have I been?” I knew the name from some time ago but started to really love them just recently. So I guess love is really about timing, moment, and such. So don’t worry, somebody will eventually fall in love with me, and I’ll love him too. No need to resent life for this. And, oh, I should really write something about Hey! Say! JUMP. Haha

I took Flixbus to go to Portland, OR from Seattle, WA.

Health. In general, I’m a healthy person. I don’t really get sick. I don’t really skip my meals, I eat regularly. I get enough sleep, if not too much (sometimes it makes me think that I might be depressed but they say I must not self-diagnose and I don’t want to underestimate those who are really depressed, so I think that maybe I’ve just come to be super lazy and kinda losing interest in life. I don’t know, but anyway…) I got my first flu shot just because. I don’t really need it, though. I consider myself a healthy person, at least physically. Mentally, I feel this year is quite exhausting, depressing, and disappointing.

Friendship. Mmm, I don’t really want to talk about it actually. In general, it’s ok. I might not be the best friend ever, but I guess I’m not the worst type either. However, I’m upset with this one friend I think I used to be close to. It’s like I really want to blame them and make them feel guilty (*using pronoun for plural because I don’t want to reveal the gender). I feel like they don’t care about me. They care about a lot of things but not me. It hurts. It hurts because they are important to me, otherwise I’d just shrug it off. So I kinda ignore them now, like trying to be indifferent so I can feel numb and so I won’t get hurt anymore. I feel bad for doing this because I know that they might have never meant to make me feel this way. But they have never tried to make me feel better either anyway, and it makes me feel so childish for wanting them to at least try to make me feel better. It makes me hate myself to some extent, and I know I should grow up and act like a mature person, but feelings don’t lie, right? When you’re hurt, you feel it there right in your heart. And that’s exactly how they’ve made me feel. To be honest I don’t know what I should do to make up ’cause chance is they might not know how I feel, and I don’t want to tell them either. Should I pretend that nothing happens? Chance is, nothing has actually happened and it’s just me who made a big deal out of nothing. But I kinda don’t want to meet again ’cause I’m afraid I’ll feel hurt again. Aaah, friendship is more complicated than I thought it seems…like, I really want to be that good friend and close friend to a certain person, but I feel like they don’t want me the same, and it’s somehow painful. So I guess it’s not only love that can break your heart… It’s my own expectation, definitely.Β That was what I wanted to write but I think that would make me a bad friend, right? A good friend should not make their friends feel guilty, right? A good friend should forgive and make their friends feel comfortable, right? And I’d love to apologize if somehow you’re my friend and reading this makes you think, “Is she talking about me?” Chance is, no, it might not be you. And that friend might not read this anyway. I just put it here so you know that I can feel that way too. I can unreasonably get hurt too. I want my friends to care about me too. I am childish too. I have my big ego too. But I kinda suppress such feelings because I don’t want to lose my friends, because I don’t want to regret it later when I’m no longer upset, because at the end, I know I love them, and perhaps I’m just getting carried away by my negative emotions, maybe I’m just being too demanding, so maybe I just need some time to cool down. (“So, why don’t you just tell them so that you can make it clear and let them know about your feelings?” Maybe you have this question. The answer is because I don’t want them to hate me, or maybe I don’t want to hate myself, I don’t want to make it worse, and I don’t want to get hurt even more. I imagine the position is reversed and I became that friend, perhaps I’d say that it’s just being exaggerated and that I’d never meant to make them feel that way. So yeah, I guess I just need some time to cool down. And I hope you won’t hate me after reading this πŸ™πŸ™‡β€β™€οΈ).

Anyway, I don’t know what else to highlight. However, I’m thankful because “Yes, it could’ve been better but it could’ve been worse too and thankfully it wasn’t.” I wish I could have done more, but there’s no use crying over spilled milk, right? Holding onto the bad past for too long is not healthy. The past is there either to make us happy and feel better or to teach us something. No need to ruin our present/future for what have already happened. Nobody’s perfect anyway. Forgive ourselves. Move on. (Sorry if I forgive myself too easily).βœŒοΈπŸ™πŸ™‡πŸ»β€β™€οΈ I mean, nothing I can do to change the past anyway. If I feel bad then the only thing I can do is to make up for it by doing better at the present and in the future. It helps to move on kinda faster. Moving on from my past mistakes or disappointment in people. There’s always something to learn. My feeling bad about 2019, I guess I just have to make it up in 2020 and make sure to make it a better year, make sure I do better. Wish me luck πŸ™‚

Hope you have a better and happier year in 2020. Happy New Year 😊❀😊

PS: I forgot to write this, but hey, I’ve finally watched One Piece: Stampede movie in the cinema. It’s my first. It really made me happy T_T

PPS: I also read some books that are not related to my study and I felt accomplished. I mean, reading books for my study is kinda responsibility so it’s not really an accomplishment to me. Doing things because we have to is not the same as doing something because we want to even though we don’t have to. Well, surely I’m glad that I could read books related to my study, but the happiness ain’t the same… One makes me feel relieved, the other makes me feel happy. I wish I could read more books in 2020.

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