So mmm, the other day I was shocked…like really really shocked because it was the first time I experienced such a thing. Actually I was ranting over this in my fangirling account, like exactly, but I guess I could write here as well. So, ok, what shocked me was…the fact that I am blocked.
Long story short, I was scrolling over my timeline using my fangirling account. Everyone was lovely as usual. Some tweeted about other fandoms they loved. And then I saw one of my mutuals QRTed (Quote+Retweet) a tweet. Seeing from her comment, apparently it’s about Chinen, but I couldn’t see the original tweet that she QRTed. I was still chill because it often happened that Twitter didn’t display a tweet or some kind of media thinking it was a sensitive material that I chose not to see when, really, it’s just pics or videos of Chinen or Hey! Say! JUMP. I mean, I get that it’s sensitive material because apparently my mind is always sensitively affected by them (LoL), but it’s the material I would always want, love, and choose to see! So, ok, back to the QRTed tweet. I couldn’t see the original tweet so I clicked and found out that… I was blocked, I still am 😐
I mean, I know people have the very rights to mute, block, report, etc. for the peace of their mind, and I shouldn’t make a drama out of it. But I just can’t help thinking: What have I done wrong?
Seeing from the username, however, actually I’m not sure if I’ve followed them, and I’m not sure either if we have ever interacted in some ways, but I really can’t figure out what I might have done wrong to annoy this person I know I can’t please everyone, but, am I that annoying that someone feels the need to block me from viewing their tweets? Man, I have never thought I would be this “significant” to be blocked ✌ But, well, I guess the fact that I don’t know what I have done to annoy people is what might be annoying about me Sorry
Honestly, though, I don’t know how I was feeling at that time. It was too shocking for me and too overwhelming. It’s like I could not accept the truth and it got me constantly thinking about my faults. Yeah, I guess I am too self-centered that I can’t help thinking that it must be because of what I did, that it must be about me. But that was a first, i.e. getting blocked. And hopefully the last. I’d never experienced that even in my non-fangirl account before. Well, at least not that I know. Some people might have blocked me but I don’t know. And some people might have also muted me but I haven’t figured out. But I guess that’s what “no news is good news” is about? Like, if I didn’t know this, I would be more peaceful right now. But now that I know this, I can’t help (over)thinking about how annoying and despicable I am to some people. I know I always say that people don’t have to like me, and it’s really okay if they don’t, but really, I have never wanted people to hate me either…
Still, back to this getting blocked thing. Actually, I’m kinda sad because apparently this account that blocks me seems to share a lot about Chinen so that means I can’t see more Chinen from them :'( I mean, why can’t they just mute me? That way they won’t see me but I’ll still be able to see their content 🙁 But maybe that’s what they don’t want? 🙁
I got some nice replies from my mutuals, though. Some of them try to convince me that I’m not annoying, and I’m really grateful for their existence. I might not know them well, I might not know them in person, but really, they do have the choice to just ignore me and go on with their life. Still, they chose to reply, comment, and say nice things to cheer me up and make me feel better. These people are so precious I feel like I don’t deserve them but I really wish them happiness and success in their real life ❤❤❤
And, oh, one of my mutuals actually commented about Twitter culture saying that few people didn’t like being QRTed and so my getting blocked might not be a personal thing. And while I don’t really get why people don’t like it, honestly I can’t remember ever QRTing their tweets. Or maybe I did before getting blocked? I don’t know. But my mutual did QRTed their tweet, which was how I found that they blocked me! But, oh, if that’s really the case, then maybe I’m fine with that because I must have done it unintentionally so I guess I was excused? Besides, I can’t possibly ask everyone if they don’t mind getting QRTed and it’s kinda impossible to remember who is okay to be QRTed and who is not. I’m sorry, I’m just making excuses and trying to make myself feel better
But, really, I can’t help overthinking, like, “Is it because I praise Chinen a lot? Maybe it’s too much for them?” “Is it because I act as if I love and know them a lot when I’m actually just a newbie?” “Is it because of something I tweeted before?” Etc.
For example, I once tweeted something like this:
I don’t get some fans who seem so entitled to do things but can’t see other fans doing the same. I get it when we fans “say bad things” bout our idols and get mad when non-fans do the same, like how JE fans criticize JE and then get mad when non-JE-fans say bad things bout JE Besides, when we say bad things about our idols, we often mean it in endearing way, (e.g. Inoo is annoying! But we love him😂😍✌), that’s why we can’t really accept non-fans to do it because their words do not comprise the love. But if it’s fellow fans praising, why get upset? So, really, I don’t get it when some fans get annoyed when other fans praising their idols thinking it’s too much and sickening, but then, actually they’ve been doing the same thing. I mean, isn’t it a bit hypocritical? I know love is selfish but u don’t have to be that selfish…Saying fans are over praising their idols when you yourself actually do the same thing is kinda like thinking they are toxic when the toxicity is actually there within you yourself… I mean, you have the right to praise your idols, and so do others…
Did they probably get upset by such tweets? But this one that blocks me is, I believe, a Japanese because they tweeted all in Japanese. (I know because of course I’m stupid enough to check it out without logging into my blocked account instead of just accepting it and letting go). But, oh, now I’m feeling bad for thinking that they might not understand my tweet because I mostly tweet in English. Wait, is it really the case? Sometimes I tweeted in Japanese and maybe I made some mistakes? Maybe that’s why? Argh, I really can’t figure it out.
I don’t know why I almost always think bad of myself when things don’t go as I want them to be. I always feel that people hate me and then I hate myself for thinking that way because I know that, even if some people do hate me, I’m sure not everyone hates me. I’m sure this is not a wishful thinking of mine. True that there must be some parts of me that people don’t like, I’m human after all, I’m not perfect, okay? It’s my legitimate excuse. But really, I’m sure in general not everyone hates me. Even if they don’t actually like me, some of them just don’t hate me. This is what I believe. I’m not sure if it’s to make myself feel better. But seriously, I’m constantly battling my negative thoughts…
Even as for now, I cannot help thinking that perhaps some of my mutuals would find this post and think that I tweeted all of that just for content or such. Maybe they’d think I was seeking attention. But, really, I didn’t. And I feel really bad for having all these bad thoughts about them even though I think of it just as possibility. I don’t know, is this where social media might actually make people get anxious (and depressed)? Like, I can’t help thinking about my negativity. But again, please know that I’m always fighting it and I try to not let it affect my action, i.e. I try to not let it make me treat others badly or not nicely.
And, by the way, before that incident happened, I wrote this in my fangirling account:
Whenever I feel ignored, I quickly snap and tell myself, “Know your place. You’re a newbie. When you decided to make this account, you didn’t expect anyone to follow, mention, or reply to you. Don’t you dare feeling dismayed and broken-hearted just because someone responded to everyone else but you. They might know each other already so that’s why. Don’t you dare think they don’t like you. Chance is they might not know your existence nor care about you. Don’t be a snob, don’t be so conceited. U should be thankful for the content they allow you to see. U should be grateful for those who follow and respond to you. Don’t be so jerky disregarding these precious people just because you believe one to two people purposefully ignore you. You’re a nobody, but that’s alright.” Funny how I’m willing to understand people but being so harsh on myself. But I guess that’s alright. We deal with our problems differently. Rule of thumb: Be nice to people. (Be nice to yourself too🙈🙈🙈😊😊😊) My friends often say that I’m too positive. The truth is…I’m so negative. I can’t help having those negative thoughts, so I learn to quickly respond with positive thoughts because I know that not all my negative thoughts are true. I mean, it’s safer and nicer to have positive thoughts about people. If the negative thought is about me, then at least I know I can learn to improve n be better. But if the negative thought is about someone else, I can do nothing, right? It’s not as if I can change them or ask them to change for me 🙈😅
So, I guess that’s it? At first I think it’s my fault when I think people don’t like me. Then I try to make myself feel better so I kinda blame them for not understanding me. Then I go back to blaming myself again for thinking that way, for thinking bad about them. Sigh.
But, hey, if you’re on Twitter, please don’t try to find my fangirling account there. I just want to fangirl peacefully without the fear of getting judged 🙁
And if you’re my mutuals there, especially who replied to my thread, please know that I wasn’t doing it for content of my blog. I am not seeking attention. I do treasure each of you and I’m grateful for your words and existence. Please understand that sometimes I’m kinda impulsive, so I tweeted all of those stuff based on how I truly felt at that time, but then later I feel like I could do more reflection on it, which is why I decided to write it on this post. (Because I kinda treat this blog as a diary, so later when I’m dead and this blog somehow doesn’t disappear, then it’ll be the proof of my existence and my feelings).
But, oh, going back to this getting-blocked thing, in case you experienced and felt the same, I know it’s hard to feel something we don’t want. And this might be ironic for me to say considering how I’ve been feeling, so maybe I’m not actually saying this to you, but more likely to and for myself. Perhaps, when someone blocks, mutes, dislikes you, it’s not at all because of you yourself per se. Well, yes, it’s good to do self-reflection, trying to find what we did wrong, trying to improve ourselves and be better instead of blaming others…but sometimes, really, it’s not always about us. The world doesn’t revolve around us. It’s sad but it’s also a good thing. And sometimes, nobody’s actually at fault, not them, not us. People just want to be happy, right? And everyone does whatever they can to minimize whatever annoys them. So yes it’s cliche and not easy, but again, maybe, instead of focusing on those who don’t want us, we can focus more on those who appreciate us? Or at least on those who tolerate us? I don’t know, but if I ever annoy you, I’m sorry. I know this sounds like politically correct non-apologetic apology because I use “if”, but I really don’t know if I have annoyed you, unless I did it intentionally, but you know I didn’t, and really, I have never had the intention. Especially in that fangirling account, I just want to fangirl and express my love for my idols because… because it makes me happy when people express and share their love. I thought people would feel the same way when I share and express my love but of course I was wrong. Sorry :'(
But, sigh, I guess I’m feeling better now. It does take some time to shrug things off, but it doesn’t mean what I was feeling wasn’t real. Some of my friends there are really good and nice people. I really hope they have good people around them in their real life too. Sometimes I can’t help thinking: How much has this person been hurt to be this kind to a nobody like me? Like, they are so nice and kind to me. But, they say those who are kind are usually the ones who’ve been hurt the most? So, really, I hope they have such good people themselves in their real life, because, of course because they deserve such love. And, hey, if you’re my mutual there: thank you 🙏🙏🙏🙇♀️🙇♀️🙇♀️🙏🙏🙏