I decided to post this game I played on my fandom account here because there is this one question the answer to which I have never shared with a single soul who knows me. Not my friends, colleagues, and not even my sister, my parents, or my family. I know that they might not read this, but the utopian idea that somebody gets to know what happened to me sometimes adds to the evidence of my existence, so here we go.
There are 30 questions, and it was basically like the previous “game” that I posted before (here!), but with different questions. I didn’t know who made the template or created the questions, but I got this from someone I follow on Twitter. (Should I mention their account/username? Sometimes I’m stuck in this predicament between keeping it confidential and giving them proper credits. I often don’t know which one is the right thing to do…)
But, anyway here are the questions and my answers. (I basically copied them from my thread. Haha)
1. Explain your Twitter handle.
Well, since this is not Twitter, I will not write about it. But I guess I have talked about why I named my blog ceritajuwa, no?
2. Who inspires you and why?
My Mom. She always wanted to go to school but couldn’t because her family was poor n her parents didn’t think education was important for women. But she always did her best in everything she could. She’s willing to listen n learn when I share things with her. I love her 🙂
3. Do you care about what others think about you?
I’d be lying if I said I dont. I often tell people2not care bout what others think, but I know it’s not easy. I care about what others think bcz I want2know if the fault is in me or not. If it is, then I can try to fix it n be better. If it’s not, then I can just shrug it off.
4. What are you most looking forward to?
Now? I am looking forward to the end of this pandemic. It’s only May (I did this game in May!) and many things suck. (I wanted to say everything, but you guys have brightened my days, so I believe there’s still a good thing amidst this). Thank you for being and hanging in there.
Well, my mutuals on my fandom account are really great and supportive, so I’m really thankful for them. And guess what? I played this in my fangirling account, and more than 30 people actually participated so I could answer all 30 questions. But I tried to do the same thing on my Instagram, in which I actually got more followers and some of those are actually people I know in person, but only few participated so I couldn’t answer all 30 questions. Sometimes I wonder, do strangers actually care more about us? Do I matter at all to those I know and who know me? But, ok, I know it’s just a game, and maybe for them it’s silly and not important, so I try my best to shrug it off…
5. What is one life rule you follow?
The golden rule: Do as you would be done by. Treat others well ’cause you know it sucks when you’re treated unfairly and not nicely. Be kind ’cause you know it hurts when people are being mean to you. Etc.
6. What’s your dream job?
My dream job is doing nothing but still getting a lot of money, can travel anywhere anytime, can fangirl the whole time, feeling happy n healthy…but you know…such jobs don’t exist. Sigh.
Just kidding, actually, I wanted to write books, novels, or something like that (and of course get a lot of money from that, but, well, …)
7. Which fictional character do you wish you could meet?
Actually I don’t know. I want to meet everyone in One Piece and in all movies I watched and in all novels I read. So it’s hard. But maybe Doraemon? I want to borrow the magic pouch n its content. That would be so cool. I can teleport using the magic door. I can travel across times, etc. Wow. And, oh, I want to meet Scathach. She’s my fav character in The Secret of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel series. I think she’s cool. I want to learn the arts of fighting from her.
8. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Flight Attendant! I wanted to travel the world. But then I wasn’t pretty n tall enough (n I was poor. LoL), so it remained just a dream. But it’s ok, I can still travel to some parts of the world without being a flight attendant. And it’s more exciting that way.
9. If you were a cartoon character, who would you be?
You know what, I can’t answer this question so I asked my friends on Instagram. And guess what? Well, only two responded but they said I’d be Ran (in the Detective Conan series) or Chibi Maruk-chan. Haha It’s interesting. I mean, I don’t see how Ran and Chibi Maruko are similar. But man, if I were like Chibi Maruko and Ran, then my future partner would have to be at least rich like Kazuhiko Hanawa and deadass smart like Sinichi Kudo. Gosh, best of luck, me! Those people don’t exist so maybe I’d be single forever. (I mean, of course those people exist, but the one who’s willing to marry me maybe doesn’t…”
10. What skill would you like to master?
The subtle art of not giving a fuck, no?
Just kidding. I want to be able to swim, ski, snowboard, surf, ice-skate, play musical instruments like guitar, piano, drum, and draw, etc.
11. In what situation would you feel most out of place?
In a party or a gathering where everyone already knows each other, talks to each other, etc. N there I am feeling so left out not knowing who to talk to or what to talk about or what to do. Gosh, imagining this makes me feel anxious already… (Though maybe I’ll be fine if there’s a corner with some food I can eat and where I can sit peacefully by myself eating and doing stuff with my phone…)
12. What artist do you really like but rarely admit to liking?
Eh? I cant think of any. I don’t really hide what I like. I love to express it n let everyone know bout it (and perhaps to a point where they get sick of it). But if anything, it’s quite the opposite; I rarely admit disliking a certain artist because it can be quite sensitive, not to mention prone to being misunderstood…some people take “dislike” as “hate”, and most of the times that’s not what I mean. But, oh, maybe when I was younger I didn’t really admit that I loved Dangdut and some local bands that people looked down upon? Being a teenager, you don’t want people to find out you like something that everyone think is bad, of low quality, and such… But then, I didn’t really hide it, though, because even though I loved them, I wasn’t really a fan either so I didn’t really talk about it.
13. What gets you fired up?
Positively, that would be traveling to new places or doing something new that is fun. Negatively, dishonesty. Treason. Betrayal. Also, sth that has to do with time, people who make me wait past the appointed time… Sigh.
14. What annoys you most about the fandoms you’re part of?
Maybe not annoyed, but sad? When some fans fight over different ships, when some fans feel superior towards other fans, when some fans feel entitled2decide what’s best4the idols, when some fans pick a fight and compare with other fandoms, when they don’t allow multi fandom…
I mean, most of my “friends” in my fangirling account are kind and nice people. But sometimes I have to admit that few people seem to act like a snob, like they are superior and better fans… And while it might be true, they can always be nice to other fans, right?
15. What do you do to get rid of stress?
Sleep, eat, listen to music, sing, watch anime/movie/drama, read, write. (Writing a diary/journal/blog can be quite helpful…until I realize that I should be writing my dissertation instead, then the stress doubles. Sigh…) Also, I don’t really like cooking, but sometimes I purposefully cook to distract me from the stress. And then, be on social media, usually on Instagram and in my fangirling account, interacting with people who make me feel that I matter 🙂 PS: A friend said that she used Insight! Timer for meditation. Who knows you want to try that out 🙂
16. You have to relive one day of your life forever. Which day do you choose?
I don’t like the idea of going back to the past to relive my life ’cause I’m also curious about the future. But if I have to, maybe the day I was born? Everyone seemed happy. I had hurt nobody, n nobody had hurt me. I could not feel sad at that time, could I? All was well 🙂
17. How quickly do you jump to conclusions about people?
Can’t tell. Maybe quick or maybe slow. I mean, I’m quite quick at taking in my first impressions on people, but I love to keep things at bay and in perspectives; i.e I always open myself to the possibility that I’m wrong, so my “conclusion” is “subject to change”.
18. If you were a doll, what accessories would you be sold with?
I don’t know what counts as accessories, but, if these counts, maybe a hat, sneakers, or jacket? I think it would be cool. Also swords, or slingshot. Wait, I guess I’m into One Piece mode right now. LoL
19. What have you done in life that has given you the most satisfaction?
Traveling. Be it solo or with a friend, but especially solo. I’m such a scaredy-cat. Traveling makes me feel like I’m conquering my fears. And when I remember the journey, I often can’t believe that I actually did all of that, i.e. going to those places. It’s “satisfying.”
20. What would be the worst thing to put in a pinata?
Dirt? I mean, it’s dirty. Also, perhaps something that is dangerous or actually feared by the person who’ll hit n split it? Some people think it’s fun but I think it’s quite irresponsible. I mean, it can be traumatic, u know. Yeah, I’m not fun. Sigh.
21. What’s the biggest waste of money you’ve seen?
The money used to pay those incompetent leaders and the corrupt govt. Like, what a waste, right? Sorry for being a bit political here but, gosh, those people are really upsetting! (And perhaps, every little penny people spend to impress people who don’t care about them…)
22. What common misconception do you hate to hear repeated as a fact?
I’m not sure of this. I think if people say something that I think is wrong, I can just try to correct them, so hatred is not necessary. But, well, maybe about being introverted? I heard some people always think that introverts are anti-social or hate people, n I think it’s wrong. Introverts can love to be with people, but it often drains them, n the way they recharge their energy is by being alone. Also, coffee! Some people believe drinking coffee can keep you up, but that’s not true. It really depends on the person. In my case, I can just sleep after drinking coffee even if it’s espresso!
23. Where is the best place to go to meet awesome people?
Around you. On the streets? Grocery stores? U know, where u meet them randomly or unexpectedly at common places? Imagine talking to them n then u left feeling impressed, thinking, “That guy is awesome. We should learn a lot from them.” I mean, awesome≠famous.
24. What food do you crave the most?
Ideally, I should answer my Mom’s cooking. But gosh, I want Bebek Sinjay! When I go back to Indonesia later, I’ll definitely have this again and again. But, ugh, right now I kinda miss in n out burger n the biryani on the University Boulevard near my campus. Sigh.
25. What TV series do you keep coming back and re-watching?
One Piece? Does it count as TV series?
26. Among your friends, what are you best known for?
Traveler? Explorer? Narcissist? Instagrammer? I mean, I love going to (new) places, n when I go I took tons of pics n post them to Instagram. Or maybe a nerd. Like I have my own world. I take it as a compliment, though. (PS: Actually I don’t know. These are just my own images that come out of my thoughts…)
27. Who of your friends is most like you?
I think it’s Mb. Rhe. Actually we’re kinda the opposite, like, she loves cold n winter, n dang, I don’t like it. She loves doughnut and those sweet things, and I don’t think it’s for me. But our way of thinking is kinda the same. It’s like we’re on the same frequency, u know. We can talk bout stuff without judging or getting offended by each other. And I think it’s nice.
28. What was the most traumatizing moment of your life?
I don’t know. If there’s any, I must have suppressed it so deep I can’t really remember it :/ But, ugh, there’s sth that annoyed me. Sexual Harassment? I was in a bus n fell asleep. Usually I chose to sit near the driver but I guess at that time the bus was packed so I sat a bit in the middle to the back row. Then I felt someone’s hand on my chest… I guess I was n still am furious about it. Truthfully, I don’t think it’s as traumatizing because I have made peace with it. I know it’s not my fault. I don’t think I was traumatized. I was just furious. But I have never talked about this to anyone in my real life, because u know, the stigma, victim-blaming, people will ask what I did wrong, etc. Tbh, I asked myself the same questions. Why? I wish I hadn’t been so tired. I wish I hadn’t been asleep. I wish I had sat in front, near the driver… I wish things were different. I created these scenarios where, perhaps if I had done things differently, it wouldn’t have happened. N before you asked bout my clothes: I was fully covered. I wear a hijab, you know. Wearing jacket, jeans, n all that. Sometimes I wonder, did he do it on purpose? Was it accidental? But I was too shocked n furious to think of what I should do at that time. So I just stared angrily at him till he took his hand off n moved onto another seat. But I was furious. I spent the rest of the journey trying to hold back my tears. But I feel better now. I know it’s not my fault. He’s just a jerk. I was just “unlucky.” But not all victims can feel this way, u know. Some will keep blaming themselves. Some will keep wishing it was different, wishing it had never happened. And it’s not nice. Even though u keep telling them it’s not their fault, it doesn’t change the fact that it happened, n how bad they feel about it. So please, be kind to those who found some courage to speak up… And, ugh, I don’t know if anyone I know or anyone who knows me in real life will read this. But if they don’t, then maybe I’ll take this to my funeral all by myself…
PS: This actually happened when I was still an undergraduate, and like I said, nobody knows. Not my family, not my parents, not my sister and brother, and not even those claiming to be my best friends. (Saying this not to blame them, ’cause it’s my own fault for not telling them, and they don’t need to know anyway, I’ve got over it already).
PPS: While we’re talking about such assault, I remember when I was a kid, there was this food seller living in the village nearby. He sold bakso aka meatballs. I was visiting my aunt’s family at that time and somehow I ended up buying food from him. And he kissed me on the cheek. Nobody saw it. It was dark. And I don’t know why, but I remember I felt so uncomfortable at that time. I was mad. I don’t remember telling my family about it. Maybe I did, but maybe I didn’t, but I still remember my feelings at that time: upset, uncomfortable, but couldn’t do anything about it. He was smiling, saying I was beautiful, and all. Was I supposed to be happy? I wasn’t. And I know it’s just a peck on the cheek. A fucking peck on a fucking cheek. And I was just a kid. But holy, it felt like a nightmare. I hated him. I didn’t want to buy food from him anymore. Gosh. I don’t know how he’s doing right now, but I guess I don’t have to care? (But if my family or my friends didn’t read this, they wouldn’t know, right? It’s weird that I’m sharing these things with people who might not know me, but not them. But, well, maybe I’m scared that if I told them, they wouldn’t care anyway. But, I don’t know what or how I expect them to react if I tell them anyway. Plus, I’ve got over it already, so maybe it doesn’t matter. I’m writing it here just because I want to record it, in case I forget it someday, to let it be known that such thing did happen to me…)
29. What’s the best lesson you’ve learned from a work of fiction?
I might write a bit long for this. Sorry, I just can’t keep things short. The lesson: it’s perfectly ok to be imperfect, n you’ll still be lovable that way. “U do what u can, I’ll do what u can’t.” Sanji in One Piece once said this. Too often, we want to be able to do many things if not everything, we wish we could do what others esp our friends can. N it can be quite frustrating when we find out that we can’t. U can be prone to feeling less n inferior. All those feelings are valid, of course. But u see, we’re human. We have our strengths n weaknesses. We can’t do everything, but we can definitely do something or one thing. N that’s alright. When we can’t do sth, it doesn’t mean people will hate us, no. They can still love us. We can still be lovable. After all, we complete each other. It doesn’t mean that one is superior. For example, u know how great n strong Luffy in One Piece is, right? Yet, he still acknowledges that without his nakama, he wouldn’t have been able to go that far. He needs Nami to navigate. He needs Sanji to cook his food. He needs Chopper to cure his wound. And other members like Usopp, Franky, Brook, Robin (n now Jinbe) to have fun together n brighten the days. Being great n strong doesn’t make him feel like he needs nobody, n I admire him for that. He makes everyone feels worthy. So, mm, this might be demotivating for some, but it’s ok to not be that great. It’s ok to just be a part of something bigger, ’cause u know, the big part won’t be able to be that big without us. And every part of that big thing matters. You matter. But of course, we have to keep doing our best n trying to be better 😉 (But, ugh, for a longer version, you can read my post about why I love One Piece, here).
30. What’s something you’ll never do again?
I don’t know what I’ll never do again. I can never be certain of such things because I love to be flexible, n I don’t like making promises I can’t keep, so it’s possible that I’ll do it again. But if anything, I don’t think I’ll do another Ph.D. Gosh, one is already driving me crazy…
Alright. That’s it. That’s the “Get to know me” for today. To be honest, I find it strange as to why writing this makes me happy. I mean, why would I write something like this? It’s not like people want to know me, right? And perhaps nobody reads this. And if there’s any, perhaps they don’t know me. I mean, why would anyone want to get to know me? I’m just “nobody”… (But writing that I’m nobody actually feels sad. No worries, though sometimes I can’t help feeling like that, most of the times I don’t ’cause I know I’ve got some people I love and who really love me ^^)