Today I Learn

Jealousy and Possessiveness: A little is okay

Have you ever been jealous? Would you consider yourself possessive? I always think that I am often jealous and possessive, not that I have ever been in a real romantic relationship. But I know I have that tendency to be jealous, like, I will get upset when my sister or my friends are busy with others when I need them. I don’t know what jealousy is. Is it that feeling that you want to be the first or prioritized? Or maybe it’s simply because I don’t like feeling ignored. Not that I’m crazy for attention. As I’ve said in the other post, there are times when I love solitude, attention is not really needed. But in some occasions, I do want people to pay attention to me, to involve me, to engage me in whatever they are talking about or doing. Doesn’t that mean I’m jealous?

Me in Philadelphia. Summer Trip. August 2015. (I know my pictures have nothing to do with the writing. Can’t help it 😀 )

Anyway, why am I talking about jealousy and possessiveness? Because I feel that I am a jealous and possessive type, and I know that some people don’t like it. I mean, I often see and read how people portray jealousy and possessiveness as something negative – or bad. This makes me see myself negatively. Like, I fear that no guys would like me. Nobody would like the jealous and possessive type like me. Something like that. On the other hand, I am someone who believes that having a little or some (or even much!) jealousy and possessiveness is okay-and actually good in some ways. Feelings cannot be helped, right? It’s not as if you won’t be jealous just because you don’t want it, right? I think the important thing is the actualization in your actions. What you do about it.

It is of course not okay if you are jealous and you do not let your partner hang out with his or her friends. It is selfish (and ridiculous) if, because s/he is your partner, then nobody can talk to or do something with him/her. The jealousy and possessiveness that I am talking here is not the abusive type where you have 100% control as if they were your slave. No. It’s like, when you see your partner smiling or laughing with somebody, you wish it was you that made him/her smile and laugh. When your partner seems happy with somebody else, you wish that you could make him/her happy the same way or better. Of course you don’t wish to take away his/her happiness. You are happy if s/he is happy because you love him/her. You just want it to be you – not somebody else.

Or maybe it also has to do with insecurity? I don’t know. Being jealous does not in any way mean that you do not trust your partner. You do trust your partner. You do believe s/he is not going to cheat on you. Perhaps, it’s more likely that you do not trust yourself. Like, you see your partner having fun with somebody else, and you’re worried or even scared that that somebody is going to take him/her away from you. It’s not that you do not trust your partner enough to be loyal to you. No. It’s like you do not trust yourself enough that you are or will be good enough or better than that somebody to keep your partner by your side. I think I’m raving about this, sorry, but I hope you get the idea.

It might be hard to explain the jealousy we have. But maybe not that hard to explain if we’re the type who love it when our partner shows some jealousy and possessiveness – not the controlling/abusive type. Like, I imagine (yeah, imagine, because I don’t have one), if my partner is jealous when I am with somebody else, I’d take it that he wants to be with me instead and that’s kinda sweet and cute, no? Well, I know it’s kind of childish especially for those who are not the jealous type or even detest having the jealous-type partner. But personally for me, it shows that I matter to him, that he wants to be with me, that he wants to spend more time with me, that he wants to be the one who makes me smile, laugh, or happy. Something like that. Still unclear?

Well, aside from my experience with my friends, I have this jealousy with my favorite Korean actors, too. (Don’t laugh! Haha) Well, you know I like Lee Dong Wook and Choi Daniel. I often see fans express their love but I can’t help screaming in my head “He is mine!” Some fans also comment on their body, sexualizing and objectifying them. (Might be not, but I take it that way because, once again, I am jealous and possessive). And it upsets me because to me, body is a thing, my men are more than that. I fall in love with their characters. Not sure if this counts as jealousy and possessiveness, I mean, I know they are not mine. They are famous people so of course they belong to every fan. Like, anyone can love them and express their love to them. Still, I want to be the one loving them the most. I want to be the one understanding them the most. I want to show some respect to them! Something like that. Is this bad? I mean, that feeling can’t be helped. And like what I’ve stated before: jealousy is not a problem, it’s its actualization in action that determines if its is good or bad. Like, as you can see, I’m so jealous of other fans. I’m possessive of my favorite men. But I do not scream around, yelling at other fans or something like that. It’s not as if I prohibited my actors from loving others. Like, I know I’ll be happy if they finally fall in love, get married, or something like that.

But alright, it might be a different case. Still, jealousy is jealousy. The same with possessiveness. And as you can see, I can be so jealous and possessive, and I am kinda worried that maybe nobody will like me because of that. Thus, I made this polling in my Instagram account. I asked two questions:

  1. Would you love it if your girl/boyfriend/spouse/partner is a bit possessive and jealous?
  2. Would you consider yourself the jealous and possessive type?
The IGstory poll for the first question.

Sadly, not everyone participated ☹ But alright, maybe it’s not important to them. But let me share the results with you. But first, let’s keep in mind that this might not be representative or generalizable. It’s just the answers of some people in my circle(s).

So, first question. 29 people answered. 24 (83%) state that they would love it if their partner is a bit jealous and possessive. Only 5 people (17%) do not favor having the jealous/possessive partner. 4 out of these 5 people, who do not love jealous partners, claim that they are not the jealous/possessive type either, which they show in their answer to the second question. Only one, out of 5, claim that s/he is actually the jealous/possessive type even though s/he won’t like it if the partner is jealous/possessive.

Second question. 33 people answered (yes, some people skipped the first question and answered only the second question). 19 out of 33 people (58%) admit that they are the jealous/possessive type. While the rest, 14 people (42%) do not consider themselves the jealous/possessive type. But guess what? 10 out of these 14 people actually answer yes to the first question, i.e. even though they are not the jealous/possessive type, they actually love it if their partner is jealous or possessive.

The poll for the second question. Those in blue ink are the Indonesian translation of the question.

I didn’t run statistic calculation to see the correlation between our being jealous/possessive type and the tendency to love having jealous/possessive partner. But from what I see, most of those who do not favor having jealous/possessive partner turn out to be non-jealous type. Likewise, most of those who favor getting some jealousy/possessiveness from their partner turn out to be the jealous type themselves.

I am not trying to draw any conclusion here. Just trying to show you that some people do love having a jealous/possessive partner. So if you think you’re the jealous type, that’s fine. Show it. Just remember one thing: don’t be (too) controlling or abusive.

Nevertheless, on a side note, from my observation, I think the jealous type usually tends to have a non-jealous-type partner, and vice versa. LoL And you know what? From the poll, some people actually tell me that they have non-jealous partner and it’s kinda driving them crazy because their partner has never shown any jealousy. It’s made them wonder if they really loved them or not, if they were bored, and stuff. I know it might be absurd, and childish, especially for you, non-jealous type and those favoring non-jealous partners. But again, feelings can’t be helped. You just can’t invalidate someone’s jealousy or possessiveness just because you don’t feel it yourself.

But now that I think of it again, it might be different when I have a real romantic relationship. I mean, this jealousy I have towards my favorite stars can be understandable because I don’t have a kind of “assurance”; i.e. because I know they are not mine. I know they do not know me, they do not notice me, so I don’t really expect them to return my feelings. LoL I mean, if I am in a relationship, in a real one,  maybe I’ll be less jealous because I have the assurance. Whatever he does, he is at least officially mine. What can go wrong? Even if people try to flirt with him, he knows, the world knows, I know that he is mine, so maybe I’ll be okay. Oh, dang, this still shows how jealous and possessive I can be. Haha But maybe if your partner is the non-jealous type, then you can see it that way, too. They are not jealous because they feel secure that they have the assurance, knowing that you are officially theirs. No? I don’t know. But anyway, now I’m getting more confident with my being the jealous type 😀

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