It was July 17, 2020 night time at my place, July 18, 2020 Japan time. I was on my Twitter since it’s weekend (and I’m learning to take a break only on Weekdays). I was scrolling when I saw the post about the passing of Miura Haruma. I was “surprised” and really couldn’t believe it. What’s more shocking was that they said that it was an attempted suicide. When he didn’t show up for work, their team came to his apartment and found him hanging himself. He was brought into the hospital but was pronounced dead. I was so shocked. I literally could not sleep till morning. I felt sad till the next few days. Even as I am drafting this, I feel like crying. It’s really unexpected. I’m not saying it’s ok if it’s someone else, but I had a “special bond” with him.
The first time I watched J-dramas and movies, it’s his movies and dramas that I watched a lot: Samurai High School, Gokusen, Bloody Monday, Koizora, Kimi ni Todoke, etc. And after some hiatus from J-dramas and movies (life happened, you know), when I restarted watching J-dramas and movies, it’s also his that I watched: Five minutes to tomorrow, The Confidence Man JP, and the one that left me deep impressions (I wrote about it before, here): Boku no Ita Jikan. The character he was portraying there was trying his best to live despite his illness and despite the fact that he didn’t have much time left. To think that in reality he decided to end his own life…it’s really hard to believe and accept it.
I might have never said that he was my favorite actor, but I loved him so much. I still do. In Bloody Monday, for example, when everyone swooned over Takeru, it’s him that I actually loved. He smiled and laughed a lot in front of camera. When I read people’s good comments about him, it was so heartwarming. I can see that he was loved. He’s so nice and kind. To think that we had no idea what’s going on in his head and heart is simply heart-breaking. I really wish I had shown him more love… And some said that his death might have been caused by SNS harassment and cyber bullying on social media… I don’t know. Why would people say bad things about him? I can’t really see anything bad about him. Also, if you don’t like someone, instead of throwing hate comments, why don’t you just leave them alone? So many people love him, yet it’s the hate comments that lead him to end his life…It’s so sad. And you know what’s more? It’s said that he actually left a suicide note. The agency and family hasn’t revealed yet, but the fact that he did it shows that he might’ve been struggling on his own all this time… He’d been trying his best to hang on until he could not take it anymore… I really hope he could rest in peace and feel happier now…
Now imagine people being close to him? It must be hard for them. After all, when there is death, especially one by suicide, it’s always harder for those left behind. There’s a tendency to feel guilty. You blame yourself for not noticing, for not being there enough, for not being able to help or prevent it, for not doing more for them, etc. You wish that you could’ve noticed it, that you could’ve shown more love, that you could’ve given more meanings to their life, etc. It’s hard. It’s heartbreaking, and we never know how long we can get past it and move on. How long we’ll live with/out guilt ’cause chance is, it will be hard to forget them, and we don’t want to forget them. I really feel like hugging everyone close to Miura Haruma right now. Kamiki, Takeru, Hikaru, Yuya, Taka, etc. I want to tell them that it’s not their fault, that I’m sure they’ve been trying to be good friends despite their own life, that we never blame them for his death, that we do love them so much we want them to hang in there…
And in my fandom, people are no nice and kind talking about mental health, ask people to reach out, say we can always reach out to them and that they will listen, tell others to not throw hate comments, tell others they can take a break from social media if they need it, educate each other, support one another, etc. Reading it makes me feel so warm. I’m happy that these kind people exist in my timeline, but at the same time I become skeptical. I mean, we’ve been preaching about the same thing, but still, the same thing happens. And some of these people who preach about mental health and being kind to others are also the ones who sometimes, if not often, are being harsh to others, especially when they feel like they have an excuse to harass them. When someone made a mistake, post or say something they don’t like, instead of telling them gently why they might be wrong, they don’t hesitate to say hurtful comments as if that one mistake is the only thing that defines that person. They will have no mercy…
I’m not the best person out there, and I don’t want to be a social justice warrior or pretend to be woke either. BUT I TRY. I try to be mindful with my words, emoticon, and such. I also try to not jump in the band saying bad stuff about someone or harassing them even when I know they’ve done a very bad thing n everyone might hate them. Some might say I’m too kind, stupid, or too nice, or maybe it makes me look fake, and I’m also scared that people would hate me thinking I’m defending the person who made a mistake or did the bad thing, but the truth is… I’m scared. I’m scared that I’d be the reason someone dies. And I don’t want that. Not sure if this sounds self-entitled or what, but sometimes I want to be the reason someone can hang onto life. What if I’m the last person they hope to care about them? What if I’m the last person they can muster the courage to reach out to? Because you know, it’s not easy to reach out to someone when you’re depressed. So I want to be the one to stay when everyone leaves them… Well, I know I’m not always successful with what I write, sometimes I get upset too, sometimes I leave and ignore too, ’cause I have to care for my well being too, but at least I try. I really don’t want to live with the guilt if anything bad happens to them. (Remember Yuuzai, the movie? Where the friend felt guilty because he didn’t stay with his friend? I reviewed it before).
But, anyway, fame, money, love, etc. really can’t keep someone alive, can they? 🙁
After someone committed suicide, many people shared their stories about when that person was still alive. Many say good things about them, about how great, how kind, and how loving they were. Etc. Why can’t we do it when they were still around? Some people wonder what drove them into that state, some want to know what was going on in their mind, some want to know their problems, etc…
When someone died (by suicide), some people suddenly want to know more about them. But they didn’t really care when they were still alive. And the chain continues. It keeps repeating… The same questions, the same regrets. Why can’t we care more for people when they are still around?
Oh, I know because I’ve written and talked a lot about myself, but I feel like nobody truly knows me ‘cause perhaps they don’t really listen. Like, how many people that know me in person actually read this or my blog in general? My friend who helps me manage this site actually told me that none of my readers were from Indonesia, so you see, they don’t actually know me. I also remember this one time I changed my profile picture and my name on my Facebook. I changed it into Forgotton Stranger. I don’t know, I guess I wanted to be found? I need constant reassurance that people cared for me, that they would actually recognize me no matter what. I knew it might sound selfish or childish, but I really needed it. But guess what? Someone who I thought was my best friend actually said that. She said I was just being childish, that I shouldn’t have done that to test people, that it wasn’t nice, etc. Actually I didn’t remember exactly what she said but I vividly remember how she made me feel to this day. It was painful. It still is. Yeah, I know, you might agree with her, and she might be right too. But it really hurts…
And, I often ask a lot of questions on my Instagram, including polls, but I get ignored most of the times… I learn to shrug it off and to not take things personally, (and perhaps I have written about this before), but sometimes I can’t deny that it really hurts. It makes me feel like an attention seeker. And maybe yes, I want their attention. So lame, huh? But the fact that they don’t respond sometimes even makes me feel like my existence means nothing to them. And you know what? I posted about Miura’s death in my Instagram story and told everyone how sad I was. Then the next day, someone close to me shared this post about his death through private/direct message and showed how surprised she was, as if I hadn’t known it. I was like, “What do you mean? I posted about it yesterday. I saw you see the story, but you didn’t even care?” I didn’t say it, but that made me really sad. And I couldn’t help thinking, “If I committed suicide, would this person regret that she hadn’t paid attention to me?”
But no worries, I won’t commit suicide. (I think I have written about this too?) But sometimes I can’t help having those passive suicidal thoughts (i.e. the thoughts and wishes of dying). I think, maybe if I die some people will start caring for me. But I know that’s too mean. Maybe my death will make some people feel bad and guilty. But again, I know that’s not nice. But I really want them to see through me… I’m such a bad person, aren’t I? Childish, selfish, clingy, attention seeker, you name it…
But, ugh, I’ll keep doing it, though, i.e. talking and writing about myself even though they don’t really read or listen. Well, one day when I’m no more, and if they suddenly want to know more about me, they’ll know where to go. It will be too late and useless ‘cause by that time I’ll already be dead. But I hope they can learn one or two things from it and come to appreciate people who are still around more 🙂
So yeah, I don’t know what my point is, but I hope we can care more for people when they are still around. I hope we can not only preach about mental health and being kind to others but also walk the talk. And if you have suicidal thoughts,…I know life is hard, maybe you’re tired, maybe you just want to quit, whatever you feel is valid, and I’m sorry that you have to feel what you’ve been feeling. I know I have no right to tell you to keep on living ’cause I don’t know how much you’ve been suffering and how long you’ve been struggling. I can’t guarantee that life will be better for you if you continue on living either. But please, please, please stay alive. Hang in there. If I could give you some hugs and make you feel better, I really would do that. If you need someone to talk to and listen to, I’d want you to give me a chance to do just that. But please, please, please don’t commit suicide. Your life is precious. What happened was not your fault. Well, okay, maybe in certain circumstances it’s your fault, but you can always give yourself another chance, okay? You can make amend, and that’s not by dying…
I really don’t know what I can say to make you feel better, and I really hope I can save you in some ways, but at the meantime, I can only pray that you’ll feel better and happier soon 🙏❤
PS: If you feel you’re useless, you might want to read this post here. And if you think of dying, maybe you can read this one here. Please hang in there, please stay alive.
