The other day I made this Instagram poll about my favorite people. Well, of course I love them all, but sometimes we have a preference, right? So I made a poll asking my followers-my friends-to guess which one I love better. I put only their pics that I took from Google Image search results. I didn’t give any name or description. I just asked them to guess based on the pics only. The first poll is Yamapi versus Kame. They both are great. I respect Yamapi for his education. I love that he speaks English and has been learning Spanish. He’s really a good guy. Kame, on the other hand, is the first Japanese celebrity that came to my dream. He wanted to give me a hug and a kiss (in my dream) but I said no because we weren’t married. Yeah, I knew I was stupid, it was just a dream. And not sure if I have written this, but there you go. I really love Kame. And guess who won the votes? It’s Yamapi. More people thought I loved Yamapi better than Kame. Is this true? Hold on a second.
The second poll is Kamiki vs Takeru. I guess I have written about Kamiki and Takeru? At least their movies and dramas? Well, Kamiki is an actor as well as a voice actor. He’s the one who voiced Tachibana in the famous anime movie: Kimi no Nawa/Your name. Takeru, on the other hand, is the one playing Kenshin in the famous movie series: Rurouni Kenshin. Actually, Kamiki also made an appearance as Seta Soujiro in one of the movies. And guess who won the votes? It’s Takeru. Is this true, though? Well, my answer is in the next paragraph.
I’m not sure if the results are how they were because people know me well or if it’s because people simply don’t know me. Or perhaps, it’s just because love is such an unknown territory even I don’t know myself. I mean, under normal circumstances, yes, I might have preferred Yamapi and Takeru. They are great. They’re cool. They’re really the type that I usually respect and admire. But I don’t know why, if I should tell you the truth, I actually prefer Kame and Kamiki. Kame might not be as educated as Yamapi, but he’s warm and expressive. I feel like when I’m with him, I can relax and it will be fun. With Yamapi…I feel like he’s too cool-and rigid. I feel like I cannot make a mistake, I feel like I will always tense up when I’m with him. Well, of course it’s not a bad thing and it’s not his fault, but I can’t keep living with someone fearing he’ll somehow hate me. And I need someone that can loosen me up, and I think Kame can do that. It’s the same thing with Kamiki vs Takeru. I feel Takeru is too “indolent” or “dull”. With him, I don’t think I can do crazy things. With Kamiki, however, I feel like we can have fun together. He’s so warm, looks understanding, genuine and pure. He looks like he’s willing to do crazy things and I need that. It might be too conceited of me to say that I’m more like Yamapi and Takeru, and maybe that’s why I prefer Kamiki and Kame. I don’t need another me, it will be too awkward, I guess? Like, I often hold back because I think I should not do this or that, and if I am with the same kind of person, then I won’t have the excuse to have fun. LOL Well, I don’t know how much of this will actually manifest in my real life. I know things can be different in reality, not to mention that love can be so bizarre. It’s possible that, in reality, I’d fall more for someone like Yamapi and Takeru, but here, truthfully it’s Kamiki and Kame that make me feel happy, warm, and content. They’re kinda liberating me. Just looking at them can make smile 🙂
But I guess what we think and what we feel can be really different. For instance, I’ve been into Hey! Say! JUMP. I love every one of them n kinda analyze how I feel bout each 😂🙈 The one that I love the most (not that I’m sure if this is the case; what is love anyway? And they all are so cool and cute I just can’t choose only one 🙈), but, ugh, there is this particular member…when I see him, I’m happy; when I see others treat him well and spoil him, I’m happy; when he accomplished something, I’m happy; when other members are being kind to him, my love for the other members grow because I’m happy that they love him. LoL It’s like I really want to protect him with all of my might, and seeing him being happy is just wonderful. Exaggerated, I know, but, ugh, he’s really cool and cute. The characters, personality, mischief, etc. I’m in love with them all. Oh, you know, it’s Chinen Yuri! Haha
BUT, when I read his magazine interviews about the kind of girl he likes, or what he’ll do in a date, etc, I’m like, “Ugh, ugh, I’m definitely not his type. I don’t think I’ll be happy if I marry (someone like) him.” 🙈 For instance, he said that after a date, he prefers the girl not to text or if they text, he won’t reply. I’m like, “No, I can’t.” I’m the type who, after a date (not that I’ve dated before, but…), will let them know how they’ve made me feel, letting them know how precious they are and how thankful I am for them. I’m the type who’ll text and tell them I have arrived home safely so they don’t have to worry. And I’m the type who will be worried sick and get anxious if they don’t immediately reply. I’m that clingy… So even though I love him so much and seeing him makes me happy, I don’t think being with him will make me as happy. And the thought that I’m not someone he wants or likes is simply too heartbreaking. I guess I want to be with someone who wants me too. And, if, despite all these differences, we can still be happy together, then I believe it’s fate or destiny.
Well, I said it before, right? When you love someone, you want them to be happy, but on top of it, you want to be the one who makes them happy. And, this guy, ugh, I don’t think I can make him happy. I mean, of course we’ll do sth extra to make our loved ones happy. But sometimes we just want to do nothing, just be ourselves, and still make them happy that way. Continuing to do things the extra way, being someone you’re actually not all the time just to try to make them happy will eventually be exhausting and tire us out. Well, with fangirling it’s ok, we can always withdraw and take a step back anytime anyway, but in a relationship that requires commitment like marriage? Uhm, no. Yes you want to make them happy, and yes you know how to make yourself happy too, i.e. you don’t have to rely on them to be happy, but, ugh, sometimes you also want them to do the same for you, i.e. making you happy, don’t you? You’ve got your own wishes to be fulfilled. You’ve got your own needs (for them) to attend to. And when this goes awry, you’ll end up hurting on your own. And that’s not nice. Well, yes love is beautiful, but to be happy, sometimes it takes more than that.
Tldr: I think, when it comes to relationships, it shouldn’t be one-sided. It’s better to find someone whom we can make happy, who can make us happy, with whom we can feel happy, and who will be happy with us just being us.
Now let’s go back to my Instagram polls as examples. What I’m basically saying is that, even though I said I preferred Kame and Kamiki, if actually I’m not the type of someone they want, then no, no matter how much I love them, I won’t choose to be with them. Well, yes, it’s sad but I don’t want to live my life feeling worthless and unwanted. This is to say that even though I don’t prefer Yamapi or Takeru (I still love them anyway, okay? Not my preference but I do love, respect, and adore them!), if they actually want someone like me, I guess I’ll then choose to be with them. Love grows anyway. And if we come to love each other, we’ll somehow find ways to go crazy and have fun together 🙂
Well, pardon me, I’m not saying that Yamapi, Kame, Kamiki, or Takeru will date or marry me. I know it’s impossible, so no need to take offense. Haha I am just using their characteristics to illustrate an example. And again, this just comes with some thoughts and logic when I am actually not in real love with a real person; I mean, they are people who don’t even know my existence. When the real love happens in my real life, with a real person, I don’t know what I’ll do. I might do exactly as I write here, but I might not. I don’t know. I mean, they say love is irrational, so who can guarantee that I will still be as logical and rational when that time comes? I don’t want to get ahead of myself. However, I want you to think about these too because I don’t want you to suffer too much when you’re in love and in a relationship. I guess it’s really important to be sure of who you want to be with, of being with whom that will make you happier. I hope you’re happy 🙂
PS: Maybe this is the sole cause why I’ve never been in a relationship or why nobody has ever been romantically interested in me. Maybe it’s because I think too much? Love is about feeling, not what we think, right? But being in a relationship solely relying on your feelings without using your mind to think logically is…I don’t know, sometimes I do wonder: Am I actually not capable of love? I don’t know. Maybe time will answer that. And, if somehow I die before experiencing all of that, please know that my life is not that loveless: I do have things and people that I love and who love me 🙂