A dream journal: First entry

This would be my first entry for this category: Dream Journals. I had never thought of documenting my dreams this way until a friend talked about writing a dream journal, something to record our dreams, literal dreams, something we see and experience when we are sleeping. And I was like, “Yeah, why not? I wrote some of them in my diary back then. So why not dedicate a journal specific for that purpose, right?” I had planned to do so ever since. I had even had a book/journal for that ready, but I’d never got the chance or made time to write one. I always waited for something good or unique or special for the first writing but I ended up not writing one. *Sigh

But last night, I had a dream. And It was kinda weird. Well, I know that most of dreams are weird but, well, I just thought of myself, “Why not writing this for my dream journal? I can write it in my blog too.” But what about that good piece for the first entry? I was like, “Screw that!” And so here I am now, let me tell you about my last night’s dream.

It’s spring. This is the flower of the cactus in my campus 🙂

Right now is Saturday, 31 March 2018, 7.19 a.m. MST.

Last night I called home, then I fell asleep. My lights were still on. I didn’t pray. I guess I was just too tired and so I just fell asleep. And when I woke up, I remember this dream.

There was an event; it seemed like a meeting or a party, I couldn’t tell for sure but it was like a restaurant. There were many people. I sat on the floor (I don’t know why! But it was a dream anyway. Things can just happen). Then one of my friends said that she’s set me up with someone, a guy who wanted to marry me. I didn’t remember who that friend was, neither could I remember the face. But in a dream, anyone can be a friend, so, well. I was upset because it was crazy! But she said that he was good, good-looking too, and that I would like him. At this point of conversation, the guy came at the nearby table. I didn’t think he was good looking in my perspective but somehow I blushed. (I really wanted to slap myself for even blushing 😂😂🙈🙈).

Fast forward, I was married to this very guy. (I know it doesn’t make sense. How could I get married without a scene where I was actually agreeing to it, right? And I had no idea how the wedding was. LoL🙊🙈😂😅 But anyway, fast-forward is a special feature in a dream, where it is timeless 🤗 *btw, I just found out that this emot (🤗) represents hugs, but that’s not how I use it 😂😅🙈).

So I was married to this guy. I moved in to live with him – and his mother. And guess what? This is actually the good part of my dream: my mother in-law was so nice, sweet, caring, and understanding I really came to love her ❤ Her love was sincere and genuine. She loved me as much as she loved her son. She understood how I felt and respected my decisions, without hating me. I think I want a good mother-in-law like her, though not with her son as a husband, and let me tell you why.

There was this scene where we were eating on a table. And I asked him some questions. In reality, I would have asked these questions before the wedding, but, well, again, it’s a dream, I couldn’t reason with it. But to sum up, the converstation went something like this: M=Me, H=Hubby (🙊🙈😂😅*bang my head to the wall)

M: I saw a motorbike, is it okay if I use it?

H: Sure, it’s for you.

M: Wow, cool. Thanks. But, if you are not at home, is it okay if I go out without your permission?

H: Of course not, you’ve got to do things only when I consent.

Well, I don’t remember how exactly the conversation was, but I do remember how it made me feel. I didn’t like it. I was mad. To me, he was exercising his power over me and I couldn’t accept it!

Don’t get me wrong. In my belief, husbands and wifes are obliged to respect each other. And I always imagine later when I am married, I would respect and care for my husband’s feelings. For instance, I will try not to do things that I know will make him worried or something that will hurt him or that he doesn’t like. (And I expect him to do the same). But that all is because I choose to do so, out of my willingness, because I love him, NOT BECAUSE I AM NOT ALLOWED. Those two are simply different.

So the conversation went on, and I wasn’t sure how it came down to this topic.

M: Why? Do you think I’ll cheat on you? Do you think I’ll go out with another guy and leave you? Do you really not trust me that much? You know what? I’d been living all my life alone before I am married to you. I could and was willing to do that just so I can live with the right man in the rightful relationship. And it’s with you. And now you doubt me? You think I won’t be able to stay rightful getting married to you?

I went on a rampage. I was so mad. I couldn’t accept that.

Fast-forward, I annulled the marriage, cancelled or divorced, whatever it is (and yes, you may laugh 🙊🙈😂😂😂😅✌✌✌). And the weird thing is (I’m not sure if it’s okay to use the word “funny” here 🙊🙈✌) it turned out that my marriage hadn’t been consumated. Yes, I stayed “virgin”! I don’t know how that was possible. But again, it’s a dream anyway; everything is possible! 😂😂😂 The sad part was that I felt like I broke my mother in-law’s heart. She’s so kind and loving. But the good part was that she understood me; she let me do that. She didn’t defend her son. And guess what? Her son actually turned out to be a jerk before I annulled the marriage. I didn’t remember how or why, but the image was “He was a bad guy”.

Well, I knew this all made no sense. Why would you annul a marriage/divorce over a conversation like that? In reality, we can talk it over again and again. We tolerate, we compromise, and the guy might finally realize that he’s wrong, apologize, etc. But again, it’s a dream; so I’ll forgive all this illogicality.

Fast forward, I was single again. It was outside, a different place. I said something like celebrating my single-ness as being happy again, then a guy smiled and said, ”Or, you can be with me.” He was much younger than me I guess, and this seemed to matter in my dream. His eyes were sparkling, his smiles were genuine. He seemed really happy to see me. Or with the fact that I was single.

Fast backward, a flashback, it felt like my dream actually started with a scene where I was riding a motorbike with him on a road with the views of natural landscapes. It seemed that we had fun. We were happy, but at that time I had no idea that he was or would be in love with me, probably because he was younger so I didn’t expect him to love me in a romantic way.

Flash forward, back to the time when this younger guy saw me and said that I could be happy with him. I remember I was feeling very happy. It felt like I had actually been in love with him too. It felt like we had known each other for quite some time. I don’t know. But the sparks of happiness in his eyes and the genuineness in his smiles when he saw me made me really happy. To think that someone could be happy with my mere presence made me feel that my life was not worthless, that my existence mattered, and it made me really happy. (*Gosh this is a scene that makes me cry, a happy cry 😭😭😭). I remember how he made me feel. I was happy. I smiled at him, too.

But fast forward, it turned out that he had become a drug addict. (Why? Why was my life in my dream so sorrowful?! 🙈😅) I wanted to help him. I wanted him to leave the drug life.

And that’s it. That’s all I could remember. No wedding with this young guy. No dates whatsoever. No more talks. No more scenes. That’s not even how I’d end a story in my fictional short stories! But okay, again, it’s a dream. So selfish it went on as it pleased! *Sigh

So that’s my dream. I hope I could write more of my (literal) dreams in the future in this dream journal category 🙂

PS: I didn’t know who both guys were. They just popped out in my dreams 🙈🙈🙈

PPS: I don’t know what pics I should post with this so I just post pics of flowers that I took around my campus. That’s because in Bahasa Indonesia, a dream is also called “bunga tidur”, which literally means “the flower of (the) sleep” 😊

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