Recent Nightmares

Recently I’ve been having nightmares.

Me in Idaho.

First, I dreamed that my parents married me off to someone I didn’t know. Worse was the guy I was supposed to marry was actually marrying two other girls. I was really flabbergasted. I mean, there must have been a mistake. My parents certainly wouldn’t have married me off to someone like that. They would never marry off at the first place. My parents would have never asked me to get married like that, moreover to someone I didn’t know, a polygamous one, someone I will never agree to marry. I remember feeling scared to death. I really didn’t (I don’t!) want to marry the guy. I was begging so that the marriage would be cancelled. I could not even imagine how my life would have turned out to be if I had married him. But it was just a nightmare. I’m glad it didn’t actually happen. Heaven forbids it.

Second, I dreamed that I applied to pursue a doctoral degree using my current scholarship. I was accepted to study in a big city in Indonesia, but then without the sponsor’s knowing, I changed my university and decided to go to a college in my hometown, using the scholarship. For your info, my hometown doesn’t have such a university. Even if there’s a university there, it’s certainly not in the list of universities that are approved by my sponsor. So when I realized this, I was scared. I thought that everyone would hate me for doing that. I thought that I would have to return the money and double it. I might have been charged as a criminal, too. I was stressed. But again, I’m glad it didn’t actually happen. I wonder if it’s because I am too stressed out thinking about my current study and finals, as well as my comps next semester and such. I might have been very depressed. But people say I should not self-diagnose and say I’m depressed so lightly. So maybe I’m just exaggerating. It’s just a dream, a nightmare anyway.

Third, this is actually weird. I dreamed that I was home. But then it felt like we were still in the colonization era. For your info, Indonesia is believed to have been colonized by Dutch and Japan for quite some time in the old days. So that’s how my dream looked like, but quite strangely, we still had the same house and the same small musholla (a small place to pray for Muslims) in front of our house. In my dream, the army dragged my parents in the musholla. My parents were trying to save me as they were hiding me in the house. But the army shot fire arrows through my house and, thus, it was burning. I was scared. Why were the colonizing army there? Why our house? Why our family? But again, I’m glad it didn’t actually happen. It’s just a nightmare. But I don’t know. I don’t want to relate this to reality. But I really hope everyone back home is okay. I called them, they sounded okay, so I hope they truly are okay.

Or maybe I’m the one who’s not okay… Gosh, the end of each semester is surely driving me crazy :’(

Fourth, this is frustrating. I dreamed that I was in one of my classes. It was the last meeting, where we were supposed to submit and present our final project in the class. My professor requested that the paper be submitted not only online so everyone can see it but also printed so it’s easier for her to read and give feedback. Prior to having this dream, I had actually printed my final project because I happened to finish it earlier so I could focus on other projects/finals. However, in my dream, as I was listening to others’ presentations, I came to realize that I did not have my printed final project with me. Come to think of it, I forgot to bring it and realized that I forgot it in the middle of the class discussions! How much more stupid and clumsy could I be? Well, my professor was kind, and I am sure she’d understand if I explained the situation. She’d be okay; she’d “forgive” me. The thing is, sometimes it’s harder to forgive myself, especially when it has anything to do with others. If it has nothing to do with others, it’s easier to forgive myself because it’s usually not that important. For example, I’m okay if I forget to wear my bracelet even if I want to wear it because, well, no one will be disadvantaged by such things. LoL But in this case, in my dream, my forgetting to submit the printed project would affect my professor’s pace in grading and giving feedback. I wasn’t supposed to be like that. I felt so irresponsible. And, well, even if she allowed me to submit it “later”, I’d still see it as a ‘late’ assignment, and you know I’m very concerned about time. I do not like being late. Well, you know, I was so stressed and scared in my dream and even more after I woke up. But then I realized it’s just a nightmare, and fortunately on the D-day, I didn’t forget to bring it and submit the hard copy. But still, I feel so stupid.

This kind of dream also happened with my Japanese class. In my dream, I was supposed to have two final oral tests. I didn’t know about it but then after knowing, I thought it was going to be the same so I didn’t study for the second test because I’d known it by heart anyway. Unfortunately, when I came for the second test, Sensei asked different questions. It turned out that there were two different rubrics and either I had not known about it or simply forgotten about it. Hence, in the second oral test I did not know what to say; I did not how to respond because I didn’t understand the questions. What is weirder is that I had this dream after I did my Japanese final oral test. But then it feels great that it was just a dream or a nightmare. I cannot imagine if it happens in reality. I’d feel really terrible and fucked up.

Sigh, I guess I have been too worn out this semester.

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